I love English and was once good enough to become an English teacher at a Japanese junior high school. However, that was in the past and since then my knowledge of English has been declining rapidly. So, as part of my language learning, I decided to submit some simple questions and comments about English language that are not easy for me (and that I should ask on HiNative or Quora) to Newgrounds. I am not an expert in English and may be making elementary mistakes, but thank you for your patience.
I wanna be a translator! | English Is Not So Easy 10
As an English learner, I have a long history of training in English-to-Japanese translation. I have never had anyone evaluate my translations, but I would like to translate some sentences to let you know how much I love and know English.
Each chapter of Hiroshi Mori's novel "Sky Crawlers" opens with a quote from J. D. Salinger's Nine Stories. And when you go to the next page, you will find a translation by a professional translator named Takashi Nozaki. This time, I would like to challenge Nozaki as an amateur.
The mouse, I've been sure for years, limps home from the site of the burning ferris wheel with a brand new, airtight plan for killing the cat.
(De Daumier-Smith's Blue Period)
The word "airtight" can have an obscene meaning today, but in this sentence it is used in a similar way to "elaborate". ... "The burning ferris wheel"? Do mice play in amusement parks? Or is the term used to refer to the hamster's famous plaything? Anyway, this sentence seems to describe the relationship between "Tom and Jerry".
<My Translation>
ネズミってのはね、これは何年も前から知ってることなんだけど、燃え上がる回転遊具から足を引きずって退散するときにはすでに、新しい、猫を殺すための入念な計画を練っているもんなのさ
I am not a professional translator and am prepared to receive a lot of criticism from professionals. However, I always try to write texts that are similar to Japanese light novels or sound novels. This time, I translated this text in a "BACCANO!" style.
<Nozaki's Translation>
年来私は確信しているのだが、二十日鼠という奴は、燃え上がるフェリス式観覧車を後にしてびっこを引き引き家へ帰るときにはすでに、今度こそ間違いなく猫の命を奪う新手の計画を巡らしているものだ。
Umm, very "wet". First of all, one of the worst parts of my translation compared to the professionals is the omission of vocabulary. I translated "limps home" as "足を引きずって退散する (limps away)," but Nozaki translated it as "びっこを引き引き家へ帰る (limps home)". He translated this sentence much more accurately.
This is an excuse, but I believe that which sentences to omit and which to translate accurately depends on whether you are writing a subtitle, a novel, or lyrics, and that you need to choose the appropriate means for your purpose. In my case, my purpose was to write a "light novel," so I translated it very anime-ish.
What little blood he had left trickled thinly down his wrist. He ordered Omba to look away, and, sobbing, Omba obeyed him. The Laughing Man's last act, before turning his face to the bloodstained ground, was to pull off his mask.
(The Laughing Man)
The timeline is complicated, but the phenomenon seems to occur in the order "pull off the mask" -> "turn his face to the ground." Since it is extremely difficult to translate this into other languages, I have resorted to translating it as "pull of the mask" AND THEN "turn his face to the ground". The purpose of the translation is "for readers who are not familiar with the original text to enjoy his work as a work of literature," and I thought it necessary to write the text naturally as a single novel.
<My translation>
わずかに残った血が彼の腕を薄くつたって落ちていった。彼はオンバにあちらを向くようにと言って、オンバはすすり泣きながらそれに従った。笑い男の最後のショーは、彼のマスクをとることだった。そして彼は、血に染まった地面へとうなだれた
I placed particular importance on the meaning of the word "act" and replaced it with the word "show (ショー)," which is also used in Japan. I think this is an acrobatic translation, reminiscent of a scene in the movie "JOKER".
<Nozaki's translation>
今や、わずかに残っていた彼の血も、細い筋をなして彼の手首を伝って滴り落ちた。彼はオンバに顔をそむけるように命じた。オンバはすすり泣きながらその名に従った。それから、笑い男は自分の仮面をはぎ取った。それが彼の最期だった。そしてその顔が、血に染まった地面に向かってうつむいたのである。
It is apparent that professional translators also had difficulty with J. D. Salinger's complex sentence structure. To my surprise, he translated the same sentence order as I did.
Also, I replaced "act" with "show," but he translated "The Laughing Man's last act" as "それがかれの最期だった." The expression "最期" implies that he will die shortly after this. This is also a very dramatic translation.
"Well," he said, "you know how those things happen, Sybil. I was sitting there, playing. And you were nowhere in sight. And Sharon Lipschutz came over and sat down next to me. I couldn't push her off, could I?"
(A Perfect Day for Bananafish)
The speaker of this line seems to be a very handsome man. Therefore, I must use the language spoken by handsome men.
<My translation>
「なぁ」彼は言った「何でもないことなんだよ、シビル。僕はそこに座ってピアノを弾いていた。君は僕の見えるところにはいなかった。そこにシャロン・リップシュッツがやってきて、僕の隣に座ったんだ。彼女を押しのけるわけにもいかないだろう？」
In fact, I was so fascinated by the line that I bought Nine Stories and read this story. The characters in Salinger are very American and fascinating. I now have a feeling similar to a love affair with this novel.
<Nozaki's translation>
「あのね、シビル、聞けばなあんだってきみもいうようなことさ。ぼくはあそこに座ってピアノを弾いてた。君の姿はどこにもなかった。そこへシャロン・リプシャツがやってきてぼくと並んで腰かけた。押しのけるわけにもいかないだろう？」
The two translations are similar, but I am NOT cheating. Frankly speaking, the text is not so difficult that I cannot make much difference between my translation and a professional translation. However, I felt Nozaki's translation is even more archaic and handsome than mine.
Lionel was either unwilling or unable to speak up at once. At any rate, he waited till the hiccupping aftermath of his tears had subsided a little. Then his answer was delivered, muffled but intelligible, into the warmth of Boo Boo's neck. "It's one of those things that go up in the air," he said. "With string you hold."
(Down at the Dinghy)
Maybe, Lionel is talking about kites. There are a lot of difficult words and translation seems to be very difficult.
<My translation>
ライオネルは一度に話そうとはしなかった。あるいは話せなかったのだろう。とにもかくにも、彼は涙の後のすすり泣きがやむまでずっと待ち続けていた。それから、彼の口からはこんな答えが飛び出した。それはブーブークッションの首元のぬくもりに口を押し当てた、くぐもりながらも聞き取れるような声だった。
「空に高く上がるものなんだ」彼は続けた。「糸を持ってなきゃならないけど」
As you might know, the word order in Japanese is completely different from that in English. However, I try to translate as much as possible without breaking the English word order.
<Nozaki's translation>
ライオネルはすぐには口を利く気がしなかったのか、それともきけなかったのか、いずれにしても彼は、涙の後のしゃくりあげが少し収まるまで待って、それから暖かい母の首筋に顔を埋めながら答えた。それはこもった声だったけれど、言葉はとにかく聞き取れた。「ユダコってのはね、空に上げるタコの一種だよ」と、彼は言った「糸を手に持ってさ」
Bravo ... I underrated him.
Finally, I have prepared some Japanese sentences so that you can experience what it feels like to be a translator. Since I am Japanese, I am not capable of evaluating your English translations, but if you are interested, please share your translations with me in the comments section.
This is a scene from NHK's manben (lit. Comic Study) program in which manga artists Naoki Urasawa and Junji Ito refer to the beautiful women Ito draws. They are both speaking colloquial Japanese, which would be extremely difficult to translate into English.
===================
No.1
浦沢：最悪の事態に巻き込まれる美女タイプ、が非常にわかってる
伊藤：言葉遣いも、「何々だわ」とか…
浦沢：「だわ」って言いますね。ちょっと「深窓の令嬢」のような…
伊藤：ええ。
浦沢：僕もね結構、セリフ、そういうところあるんですよ。声優の皆口裕子さんが、「YAWARA!」のセリフをつけるときに、「『だわ』とかいうから、すごい恥ずかしい」って
（笑い）
伊藤：まぁそうですよね。あんまいないですよね、現実には。
No.2
浦沢：僕も『MONSTER』のときとかに、結構、医学生が使うような資料写真とか一杯使ってるときに、最初「うわ、キッツいなぁ」って思ってたんだけど、不思議なことに、じーっと見ちゃうと平気になる、っていうのありますよね
伊藤：あぁ、そうですね
浦沢：ちょっと、チラッと見えたものってのは、もうなんか、すごい恐怖として残る。恐怖を克服するには、一回じっと見ることなんだろうね。
伊藤：目が慣れちゃう
===================
Even If you use Google Translation or DeepL, you would probably get sentences that don't make sense. Machine translation can accurately translate official documents and academic papers, but it still cannot translate spoken language. I could not translate this into English because I did not know the English equivalents of some of the words they used. However, this program has English subtitles. I was very surprised at the skill of the nameless translator who put English subtitles on this program. It was a good study of English for me. If you want to know the answer to this question, please play the video found by searching "manben junji ito" on YouTube starting at the 10:00 point, or please let me know.
<My attempt; not the right answer>
===================
No.1
Urasawa: You really understand women caught in the worst situations!
Junji Ito: And language. You know, my characters use old-fashioned language.
Urasawa: That's right. I felt they were a bit like "classy daughters", right?
Junji Ito: Yeah.
Urasawa: In fact, my characters also use old-fashioned language. When the voice actress Yuko Minaguchi performed "YAWARA!" she told me, "The language is so old, it's embarrassing!"
(Laughter)
Junji Ito: I feel you. Not many women use such language in reality.
No.2
Urasawa: When I was writing "MONSTER," I was looking at a lot of pictures that medical students would look at, and at first I thought, "Ugh, disgusting!" but strangely enough, once I stared at them, I became okay with it.
Junji Ito: Uh-huh.
Urasawa: A glimpse of a scene will remain in your mind as a terrifying experience, and on the other hand, I think it is important to take a closer look at it once to overcome your fear.
Junji Ito: Because your eyes get used to it?