I love English and was once good enough to become an English teacher at a Japanese junior high school. However, that was in the past and since then my knowledge of English has been declining rapidly. So, as part of my language learning, I decided to submit some simple questions and comments about English language that are not easy for me (and that I should ask on HiNative or Quora) to Newgrounds. I am not an expert in English and may be making elementary mistakes, but thank you for your patience.

Translator to English | English Is Not So Easy 14

In the previous article, I evaluated the Japanese translation of William Gibson's novel. This time, I, as a Japanese, would like to retranslate the English translation of a novel written by a Japanese and study the translation method from a different angle.

In this article, I would like to introduce a novel titled "Harmony" by Project Itoh (伊藤計劃). This novel is about Japan, a dystopia created by people's excessive health consciousness. I thought it would be difficult to get the English version from Amazon, but for some reason the English version of the text was easy to find.

https://nemaloknig.net/read-319825/?page=1#booktxt

Now, I look forward to seeing how the translator have translated the isolated language of Far East Asia!

================

Part of a whole world practically tripping over itself not to offend others, to be thoughtful of others—even of me.

[My translation]

全世界の一部として、文字通り他人を傷つけないように、他人にやさしくなるように、私に対してさえそう仕向けてくる。

[Original text]

どこまでも親切で、どこまでも他者を思いやって、挙句の果てにこの私にすら思いやりを持て親切であれと急き立てるこのセカイ。そんな時代と空間に参加させられるのはまっぴらだった。

================

I think the translator did a good job, but I personally felt that this text was too complex (at least for an English learner) and at the same time oversimplified the original Japanese text. But I think that is because the original Japanese is very colloquial and not very grammatically appropriate. Then, how would I translate it? Hmmm, this sentence ends with the noun "セカイ (world; I don't know why he spelled this word in katakana...)", so how about translating it using ":"?

"The 'WORLD': infinitely kind and infinitely thoughtful of others, and even forces me to be thoughtful, to be kind to others."

I believe this is literal translation.

Also, there are two sentences in the original, but the translator only translated the first half of the sentence. Apparently, the translator forgot to translate the second sentence because the first one was too difficult. The second sentence, translated by DeepL, is "I did not want to be forced to participate in such a time and space." I think this is a good translation.

================

“Hey, Tuan, you know what?” Miach’s eyes sparkled. Miach knew everything. Of all the delinquents in our class, she had the best grades. Miach never spoke to anyone besides me and Cian—Cian Reikado, our other friend—unless it was absolutely necessary.

[My translation]

「ねぇ、トァン、知ってる？」ミァハは目を輝かせた。ミァハは何でも知っていた。私たちのクラスの中にいる不良の中で彼女は一番成績が良かった。ミァハは、特に必要もない限り、私とキアン—レイカドウ・キアン、私たちの友達―のほかには誰にも話しかけなかった。

[Original text]

「知ってる、トァン……」とミァハが眼を輝かせながら言った。ミァハは物知りなのだ。クラスで一番成績のいい問題児。ミァハは私と零下堂キアン以外の誰にも必要以外で話しかけようとはしなかった。

================

The part "Cian—Cian Reikado, our other friend—..." is stylish and I like it!

However, reading only the English translation, you might think that there are several delinquents in the class and that Miach has the highest grades among them, but the Japanese original text implies that there are no delinquents besides her in the class and that she has the highest grades despite being a delinquent. This is a subtle difference, but native Japanese speakers can easily detect this difference. And it is depressing to think that I am making a series of similar mistakes when I write English. PLEASE, please tell me the mistake.

================

I still don’t know what Miach saw in us. I didn’t get very good grades, and while I wasn’t ugly I wasn’t particularly attractive either. The same went for Cian. Sometimes I wondered why she hung out with us at all, but I never asked. Not once.

[My translation]

私は未だに、ミァハが私たちに何を見出していたのかはわからない。私は成績も特に良くないし、不細工ってわけではないけど特別に美人というわけでもなかった。それはキアンも同じだ。時々彼女が一体全体どうして私たちとつるむのか気になったこともあったけど、それを尋ねたりはしなかった。ただの一度もだ。

[Original text]

私とキアンのどこが、ミァハの気に入ったのか今になってもわからない。成績だって特に良くはなかったし、容姿だってまあ悪かないけど取り立てて目立ったところもなかった。それはキアンも似たようなもの。けれどミァハに、どうしてわたしとつきあうの、とはついに一度も訊いたことがない。

================

I think this part is an accurate and good translation. The English translations, especially the latter half, "...hang out with us at all" and "Not once" are the work of a professional translator. Omisoreshimashita!

================

“A long time ago, there were men who would actually pay to have sex with a couple of innocent bodies like ours. So all these girls who weren’t even poor would sell themselves as fuck toys, and they wouldn’t even feel guilty about it at all. And neither would the morally depraved men who bought them. They’d meet up in hotels and pay them cash.”

“What?” I said, giggling. “You want to sell your body?”

[My translation]

「一昔前は、私たちみたいな無垢な身体とセックスするために、お金を払う男たちがいたんだよ。貧しくもない女の子たちが自分をセックスのおもちゃとして売り飛ばしてて、しかも彼女たちはそのことに何の罪悪感も抱かなかった。彼女たちを買う、モラルに欠けた男たちも同じだった。ホテルで待ち合わせして、現金で支払うの」

「何？」私はくすくす笑っていった。「体を売りたいの？」

[Original text]

「昔はね、体を買ってくれる大人がいたらしいんだ。多少のお金で私たちみたいな子供とのセックスを求めてた大人たち。貧乏でもないのに、何の罪悪感もなく自分の方から体をセックスの道具に売っていた女の子たちがいっぱいいたんだって。買う方も買う方で、そんな風に堕落した大人が結構な数いて、実際に街中のホテルでお金を渡してたんだって」

「からだ、売りたいの……」

================

"Innocent bodies like ours" is a very erotic expression. I will use it somewhere! Incidentally, the literal translation of this part is "children like us."

I think it is a perfect translation for this part as well. In particular, "And neither would..." is a technical translation of the Japanese phrase "買う方も買う方で... (lit. men are men...)", which is extremely difficult to translate into English. This difficulty might be similar to the difficulty in translating the English phrase "Enough is enough!" into another language.

This is the end of this article. As a native Japanese speaker, I can say that the translator is certainly a professional translator, and the variety of English expressions were very technical and informative.